


before he leaves, let us have this one goodbye

by TuxedoGal



Series: disjointed lovers [1]
Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, He Tian's dog, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Longing Guan Shan, M/M, Post chapter 348, last chapter will have smut, loss of pet, the sick dog
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 06:41:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29946021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuxedoGal/pseuds/TuxedoGal
Summary: The day after receiving the guitar from He Tian, their school day passes by normally enough. He Tian seems like his usual self, but of course lures Guan Shan over to his place for another night in with the promise of Guan Shan copying his homework.Guan Shan ends up sleeping over, which isn't quite surprising at all, given how easily He Tian wraps him into things these days. What is surprising is what he hears at 4 A.M., when he groggily wakes up from his sleep to a strange noise.[post Chapter 348 - after He Tian sees the dog]
Relationships: He Tian & Mo Guanshan (19 Days), He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days)
Series: disjointed lovers [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2202405
Comments: 4
Kudos: 69





	before he leaves, let us have this one goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> this is only inline with canon up to chapter 348, and will be split into three parts, hope you enjoy!

Ever since He Tian had given him that overwhelming gift, for a brief period Guan Shan couldn't find it in himself to be frustrated by He Tian. 

He sees no fault in his actions and is actually looking forward to meeting with him at school the next day. And so they do, and the day is filled with the usual amount of boring classes but is broken up by pestering friends at lunch break in the form of Jian Yi forcing them all together to brainstorm for their band ideas. When they hadn't even learned any instruments or practiced anything as of yet. Of course that idiot is already jumping the gun. 

Guan Shan thinks nothing of the typical day, besides wanting to head back home on his rare day off from his part time work. He can almost taste his mother's cooking on the back of his tongue. He’s expecting as much when he gets home and is eager to reach the welcoming atmosphere of his place. 

But at the end of the school day, He Tian lures him away from these plans with the promise of allowing Guan Shan to copy his homework at his apartment. Guan Shan is too tempted with the easy solution to a grating night filled with rubbing his forehead over equations. So wrapped up in this great deal, he doesn't even question why the boy actually wants him over. 

Because He Tian usually had a plan for these things. He wouldn't be surprised if the boy took out illegally purchased booze or suggested a late night game of basketball. He Tian is impulsive like that, always coming up with strange excursions for them to go on, fully expecting Guan Shan to just be pulled along by the wrist and secretly smile at being included for once. In the past Guan Shan has never been thought of like this. He never had many people to rely on, it took some getting used to.

He Tian is surprisingly serious through all the copying. He isn't joking or making crazy far fetched plans. The night-in is fairly boring in retrospect. He Tian doesn't cause a ruckus, let's him cook dinner in peace and by the end of the night Guan Shan's notebooks are filled to acceptable levels so that their teacher doesn't wring their necks tomorrow. 

He Tian looks up from a glass of water, and asks, "Wanna stay the night? It's getting late."

Technically, Guan Shan had stayed overnight not too long ago, and afterwards his mother had told him that if he ever wanted to sleep over at his friend’s house again that he could do it anytime. Guan Shan thinks she probably doesn't mind having the place to herself sometimes. Living with a young teen can do that to you. He had also noticed the way his mother's eyes crinkled in a clear sign of happiness at the mention that he has friends now. Before he never mentioned much of anyone and he knew his Mom had worried over this fact. 

Guan Shan slaps his notebook closed. "Sure. Why not?" 

He doesn't want to make this a big deal. 

They go through the typical sleepover motions. Taking turns in the bathroom to brush their teeth and wash their face. He Tian sets up the couch for him, for once not asking Guan Shan to join him in bed like a petulant child. 

Honestly, Guan Shan is so bone tired he wouldn't even have it in himself to argue about sleeping arrangements, he'd just turn his back to Tian and pretend he was a wooden log or some stuffed teddy bear. He'd ignore the weight of the boy on the other side of the bed all night. It's not like he hasn't done it before. If his surroundings are comfortable, especially in He Tian's fancy soft feather like bed, he'd likely fall asleep in ten minutes tops. 

The night is simple. Guan Shan snuggles into the cool cushions, trying to get warmth from the thin fancy sheets He Tian threw over his couch. He ends up curled up, but fairly comfortable and dozes off to the sound of cars buzzing in steady streams in the street below. 

Guan Shan dreams of nothing, and the next thing he is aware of is an incessant sound in his ear building up louder and pulling him from the comfortable darkness of sleep and unconsciousness. The sound is so grating that his mind pulls to wakefulness and as he blinks open his heavy lids, he realizes that the sound is of a muffled sniffle. And a hiccuping cry afterwards as if a person were containing their cries in the back of their throat. It’s very wet and overall unpleasant sounding. 

Guan Shan's heart shoots up to his throat, eyes wide in understanding. That He Tian must be making this sound. 

He questions whether he should pretend he's still asleep or get up to check on the boy. But his curiosity gets the better of him and so he sits up on his pseudo bed, sheets pooling to his waist as he searches for the source of the sound. His movements are slow to not startle He Tian's notice, and his head turns to the left where the windows reflect seeping darkness of a sleeping city. Despite this looming dark night, the street lamps still flicker like tiny stars against He Tian's curled up form by the windows, back shaking on soft cries of such sadness he hasn't seen so physically evident over He Tian's bones. Enough to trickle over his cheeks in physical tears. 

Guan Shan blinks, still in half disbelief, but it's very brief. He feels immensely worried, his body operating on complete instinct to reach over and pry apart those hands covering that crumpling face. 

Guan Shan glances at the clock blazing green digits to the dark apartment.

4 A.M. 

Most people are asleep and He Tian is crying by the windows. The world feels as if it has been flipped on its head completely. 

Stumbling from the sheets that nearly trip him in the process, he tiptoes over the slightly cool floorboards to He Tian's side. The boy's back tenses at Guan Shan's arrival, hands still hiding his expression. So Guan Shan does the only thing he can think to do, he slides an arm around He Tian's shoulders. A simple action of comfort meant to dissuade any worries He Tian may have that Guan Shan is angry at him for waking him up at such an early hour. 

Now sitting beside him with an arm over his shoulders, he peers up at the boy and asks quietly, "He Tian, are you okay?" 

"I-I'm fine." He Tian rubs violently at his eye with his wrist. The action messily wipes away evidence of tears wetting his cheeks. "I just…"

"What happened?" Guan Shan inquires, voice genuinely curious as to what had caused such an upheaval on He Tian's unbothered demeanor. Seeing He Tian like this feels very odd. He’s so used to being the one in constant states of distress it is strange to be in the position of offering comfort or advice. He's scared he won't be adequate enough in support just as well as He Tian supports him. 

He Tian smiles, the action clearly painful. He says, "It's nothing." 

Guan Shan hates how that smile looks like a cracked screen distorting the image behind it. He can immediately call on bullshit when he sees it. Being the personal expert of shoving his own emotions away, of course. Despite how mushy he sounds, Guan Shan decides it's best to be honest than to leave He Tian to wallow in whatever is eating at his conscience.

Guan Shan explains, "I'm here for you, if you ever need me to talk or anything. Like you let me talk about what happened with She Li, and that was embarrassing so"–

"You weren't embarrassing," He Tian interrupts with a frown, grabbing Guan Shan's hand in his own. The two are hovering close together, his arm still steady around He Tian's thick shoulders. 

"All the more reason you can talk to me. You can tell me. I'm not going anywhere it's four fucking am anyways and"–He Tian dives in to kiss Guan Shan suddenly, only a quick press of lips so that before Guan Shan knows what is happening they have completely pulled away. He Tian's eyes go wide and he covers his mouth, sliding away from Guan Shan's now slack arm so there's distance between them. "Shit– I fuck. I shouldn't have done that."

He Tian can no longer meet his eyes, his shoulders tensing up over to his ears. 

Guan Shan grabs his hand and demands lowly, "what the fuck is going on?" 

He Tian doesn't look at him. 

"He Tian. Look at me." He grabs at his face, but He Tian keeps pulling away. "Tian. Please. Look at me." Finally, He Tian turns his head, though his mouth doesn't move or say anything. His slate grey eyes are almost black in the night and the man is still as a statue beneath Guan Shan's cupped palm over the boy's damp cheek. Voice heavy, Guan Shan admits desperately, "Tell me what's wrong, because you're scaring me right now."

He Tian chuckles, but the sound is wet. He pushes the hand Guan Shan has over his cheek away, shrugging the intimate touch off and looks outside past the windows, his grey eyes reflecting the morning fog. "I'm leaving. Soon."

"What do you mean by soon?"

"Like the end of the week soon."

"And you were gonna what, just not tell me about it _at all?_ "

"No.” He Tian ducks his head, scratching at his neck. “Well, maybe yes."

"He Tian!" Guan Shan accuses, unbelieving of these words. His hands slide into hard fists over the floor. 

After everything they had been through, He Tian was simply planning to leave him with no mention of it to his face. Just leaving him in the dust. He thought Guan Shan was completely irrelevant and unimportant enough to be told where he went. The knowledge of this hurt, far more deeply than he would like to admit to himself. 

He Tian sighs, eyes softening as he stares back at Guan Shan's upset expression. "I was in denial, I guess. I didn't want to see it as my reality so I've been ignoring it. Distracting myself. Trying to create as many memories as possible to remember before I go. Pretty silly, right?"

Guan Shan's fingers ease from their tight digging into his skin, and he sighs.

"That's not fucking silly, you chicken shit." Guan Shan calms back down, his heart rate no longer skyrocketing at the thought He Tian didn't care for him. The truth was the opposite, Tian simply didn't want to acknowledge his leaving at all because he didn't want to leave in the first place. The way He Tian has been acting suddenly starts to make sense. Similar to lining up all the correct puzzle pieces into their proper place, the strange oddities of the past few days begin to become a little clearer. 

Putting his arm back over He Tian's hunched shoulders, he utters, "Is that why...the guitar?"

"Something to remind you of me. And the two of us together, I guess." He Tian smiles, but his eyes are still glistening in clear sadness spilling over the edges of his waterline. 

"How long … have you known?"

"I didn't-I didn't intend to get _attached_ to anything. Stumbling into you was an accident. And you can tell by my place here, I wasn't meant to stay here permanently. My father has a plan. And I sort of ran away from it for a tiny bit, but the time has run out. And not just for me."

"What are you talking about?" Guan Shan asks.

"The dog. The one I thought was dead. He's actually alive and... he's old and sick," He Tian explains quickly, mouth dying to spill the information bubbling up in his chest. "He's not gonna make it. I don't know if I should be more pissed that He Cheng lied to me all these years that he was dead or that he lied about keeping it the entire time without me seeing him at all. It's unfair. I didn't even get to be with him most of his life, but I'm still sad as fuck– shit." A tear escapes his eye and he roughly wipes it away. 

Guan Shan tightens his hold over He Tian’s shoulder with a light squeeze of assurance. "Do you want to go visit him? We can go if you want. You should spend as much time as you want with him before he goes. Or you'll regret it."

"Yeah. I should," He Tian says.

So they go together, to visit the dog. At 4 A.M. in the early morning fog. He Tian calls a cab for them as they loiter by the sidewalk, hands in their pockets and shuffling to get warm in the prickly morning air. He Tian already has his smoke half finished between his lips before the taxi even arrives. 

Guan Shan asks after He Tian gives the address to the taxi driver: "Where to?"

"To Brother Qui's place. He took care of the dog for my brother." 

Guan Shan nods, not certain he could quite associate the cold and ruthless man who subjected them all to pushups in the past with a man who is willing to take care of a fluffy dog. In the back of his mind he questions why Qui would do such a large favour for He Tian's older brother. The two must be close. 

Glancing at He Tian briefly as the boy only stares lifelessly out the window, Guan Shan finds his mind drifting back to the potential intention of He Tian opening up to him like this - right before he leaves at the end of the week. 

And he even kissed Guan Shan. 

He restrains himself from touching his lips in remembrance of this fact. Guilt sets in his bones, he shouldn't be thinking of his confusing relationship with Tian when the boy is so broken up about losing his dog. He needs to focus on what he can do now and not on the time limit ticking away above their heads.

...

Qui answers the door, his eyes strangely red as if he had been crying. He leaves the two of them alone at his apartment on the pretence of getting a smoke outside. Guan Shan knows he likely wants to give He Tian some space and to possibly escape from his own sadness for a brief moment. Being the primary caregiver of the dog, he’s likely been hovering around the old dog like a restless mother hen.

He Tian tells him, "You can go, if you want.”

“No, I’ll stay.” He thinks he owes He Tian some form of support. It would be odd to leave him in here on his own and just wait outside the apartment door awkwardly.

He at least gives the boy some space. 

Guan Shan stays in the T.V. room. Because the place is an open concept he can't exactly give He Tian the privacy a wall would provide, but sitting on the couch while He Tian spends precious time with his sick dog is enough for now. Guan Shan goes on his phone which he had pulled from its charger in their rush of leaving Tian's place. 

It's far too early to text anyone and it's not like he would want to bother his mother in the morning anyways. She would be busy at work, and is an early riser consistently. Most days he woke up to sounds of her clattering in the kitchen at 6 A.M. and he would roll over onto his other side and fall immediately back to sleep. 

Guan Shan doesn't have many games so he tries looking at news articles, but finds his mind wandering back to He Tian. Despite being in the same room as him already. His curiosity over how the boy is doing wells up and he frowns to himself over the fact he didn't even last more than five minutes.

Glancing back over the couch he witnesses He Tian sitting cross-legged beside the dog's bed, petting it's soft sleepy head that leans over He Tian's knee for support. He doesn't know if He Tian placed the dog there or if it seeked out the spot itself, either way the sight is heartwarming. He Tian, as if having eyes in the back of his head says, "You can come over too. If you want to pet him a little."

"I don't know," Guan Shan says, looking away. 

He Tian shrugs, but his eyes stay on the other boy and Guan Shan squirms over the couch cushions. 

He admits, "I don't want to"-

"It's fine, Guan Shan. I'm sad as hell, but you don't have to sit all the way over there to be polite or whatever. You can sit beside me."

"Okay, I'll just," Guan Shan mumbles. He slides over to the two of them, taking a spot beside He Tian in a similar position but without a dog in his lap. 

"Do you like dogs?" He Tian asks. "You're not scared of them, are you?"

"Course not," he grumbles roughly. "I like 'em fine enough. They're pretty goofy a lot of the time though."

He Tian chuckles, the smile genuine. "Yeah, I get that. He was a pretty silly puppy. Always into trouble."

His hand stills for a moment mid caress over white and gold fur, seeming to be lost in a thought. He Tian only begins moving his hand again when he lets out a long breath and the action is slower as if to cherish the act of a single brush of fingers. 

They sit there like that for a long time. And Guan Shan doesn't ask any questions.

It's better that way. Because there's nothing really one can say to something like this. 

Guan Shan isn't the type to use pretty words. Sometimes being there is simply enough. Actions carry far greater meanings than words. Like the premade lunch his mother leaves on the counter for him on school days. Or the mug of tea left by his desk while he pours over homework he can't ever seem to understand. The brush of her hand as she fixes the hood of his sweater that he didn't notice was sticking inside out, and she smoothes over the fabric so that it sits nicely. 

Guan Shan recalls these actions and hopes that when he slides close to He Tian, his knee knocking over He Tian's, that this is somehow enough. 

_I'm here for you. If you need me._

He Tian knocks his knee back.

...

An hour and a half later, they stand at the edge of the street watching slow moving cars that are barely in any rush to get to their repetitive work lives. Guan Shan flicks on his phone to check it's lockscreen.

6:00 A.M. 

He huffs out an exhale, his breath still half misty in the coolness of the morning. He Tian has a cigarette already at his lips and is staring at the sky, lungs alight just as the sun begins to burn over them. Already risen. He Tian blinks slowly up at the sky after letting out a long drag. His cigeratte's ashes splinter and fly to his fancy shoes. 

Guan Shan shuffles in the same spot over and over, leaning his weight on each foot, never one to stay put in one spot like this. 

He Tian says, "The appointment with the vet is tomorrow." 

Tian speaks with such bluntness that Guan Shan pauses before opening his mouth in reply. 

"Do you plan to go?" Guan Shan asks, his voice soft. He thinks of the old dog barely moving on the bed and how long He Tian had spent curled over the poor thing. He can't help but feel his heart thrash unpleasantly in recalling the image.

"No," He Tian says with a shake of his head, his hand holding the cigarette to his lips shakes slightly as he takes a quick drag before continuing: "This is enough. I've already said my goodbyes. I don't think I'd want to see him like that anyways." He Tian's voice cracks slightly at the statement. He adds on without any preamble, "And Qui and my brother probably want their own space during it."

"That makes sense." 

"Yeah." He Tian closes his eyes over unshed tears. He probably already used them up earlier before Guan Shan had woken up in a shock. He wonders what would've happened if he hadn't woken up. Would He Tian pretend everything was fine? Would he even have gone today to say his goodbyes?

He Tian suddenly turns his head to him after flicking his cigarette into the nearby trash can. "I'll buy you breakfast." 

The taxi they are waiting for drives up as if right on cue. Guan Shan can't deny that he's hungry as fuck, so he agrees. 

They get the greasiest breakfast possible from a fast food chain near He Tian's place. Bickering and shoving at one another, while elderly folks and business workers give them odd looks for being up so early in the morning.

Guan Shan and He Tian attempt to maintain their normalcy of routine so by the time they're at school, Guan Shan half questions if he had completely hallucinated that early morning.

But the tiny effects of the morning are still evident on He Tian's face. The purple shadow forming under his eyes. The reddish tinge to his skin over the corners of his eyes and his lips as if he had bitten them with nerves. His fingers are constantly itching for cigarettes and so he plays with the bottom of his school shirt or flings his hands into his pockets to stop their constant rummaging at his desk. 

Guan Shan observes these signs with newfound knowledge of the truth. If this had been the Guan Shan of yesterday he wouldn't think twice of these habits. 

He has the knowledge of what the end of the week means to Tian. 

Guan Shan keeps this to himself, the clear sentiment unspoken between the two of them. Though he tries not to think of these upcoming days as a countdown, the fact of the matter still flares up in his mind the following morning. For once, in his own bed rather than waking up on He Tian’s couch. 

Guan Shan ultimately decides giving He Tian some space for a little bit might be the answer. But to also act like nothing has changed between the two of them. The days should pass as usual, with Jian Yi babbling and Zhan Zhengxi 's deadpan input. And how Zhan Zhengxi briefly scolds both Jian Yi and He Tian for being reckless or not making much sense. Occasionally, Guan Shan joins in as well, and gains a solitary fist bump of approval from Zhan Zhengxi, which he has never received before. 

The next few school days start and end as easily as that, with those familiar routine actions between the four of them. They stick together similar to glue, and Guan Shan revels in the simple distraction of casual bickering. 

Despite this normalcy, Guan Shan lies awake at the thought of He Tian leaving them all very soon. For an unstated amount of time. Jian Yi is planning with the notion there would be all four of them involved in this band. It would likely be scrapped the minute He Tian left. He is very much the glue that holds them all together, loath Guan Shan is to admit to this fact, he probably wouldn't have thought twice of hanging out with either Jian Yi or Zhan Zhengxi without He Tian pushing the two goofy friends into his usually solitary corner. 

He had Buzz Cut, but they spoke mainly at school and he also brought back memories of She Li he found displeasing and nauseating to remember. Guan Shan couldn't recall a time where he wasn't feeling suffocated or wanting to run from all these pressures of school, his father and his mother, and what others expect of him. But nowadays he doesn't feel any suffocation, has felt only lightness in his chest and genuine enjoyment. He is constantly at ease and no longer stressing over tiny details. Because he knows there are people who are around to support him and wouldn't go anywhere. 

At least that's what he thought before He Tian dropped this fact. He's leaving. And Guan Shan would be lying if he said that didn't make him feel some sort of way. Disappointed. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. 

All in a messy tortured pile somewhere within his pent up heart. Where surely the truth of how he felt about that hasty kiss resides. Because surely why else would he be recalling that kiss now, in bed, the dead of night upon him, blinking at his ceiling and thinking about He Tian leaving him unless he wants to do it again. That he wants to try it out, to taste He Tian's lips and commit it to memory. 

He doesn't want to live with any regrets. 

It is already becoming Saturday. 12 A.M. 

He Tian's flight is on Sunday morning. 

Of course Guan Shan's mind moves at such a slow pace he comes up with this realization in the dead of night with a single day left between the two of them. 

He hates himself for wasting such precious time, but realizes he may be getting ahead of himself. He doesn't know if He Tian would reciprocate. He could've been caught up in the moment. What could He Tian see in him anyways? Someone as popular as him could have any person he wanted. Guan Shan is not a person who excels at anything but at cooking, and he doubts He Tian would want to be with him just to gain a constant supply of delicious beef stew. As much of a glutton He Tian is, the boy isn't living solely through his stomach. 

Guan Shan is definitely not the type of person He Tian's family would want him to end up with. If their money is anything to go by, they expect a pretty dignified girl to latch onto the boy's arm, perhaps a daughter of some high exec of a well-known company. Not a boy from his school. Especially a boy who has nothing to his name to offer, other than a father who is known to be in jail. 

Despite these rationalities, a tiny piece of Guan Shan's mind eats away at these reasonings, trickling in with the replaying images of that quick peck of lips. So brief and desperate. Guan Shan couldn't let that be the conclusion to whatever it is they have been sidestepping for however many weeks since they first met. They can't avoid it any longer. 

Guan Shan is tired of hiding and of pretending he's unbothered by all this. The truth is he cares, he cares so much his heart is crumbling at the thought of He Tian alone in his apartment, without Guan Shan cooking him edible meals and the two of them bickering over a dinner table about mindless topics that don't mean anything. That He Tian could be sadly remembering his dog he won't ever see again. Or he could be recalling that terrible incident where He Cheng told him he had the poor puppy killed, which was a complete lie told purposefully to a child in hope of keeping a little boy tougher. Guan Shan still doesn't know how Tian could forgive his older brother for doing all that to him. He is pissed on He Tian's behalf at the stoic man. _Fuck He Cheng and his lies. He was only a kid, dammit._

Guan Shan aches to be by Tian's side and falls to sleep restlessly, thinking of He Tian alone in the cold apartment. He hopes that Tian at least has pleasant dreams. If he's haunted by his past even in deep sleep, well, then when would He Tian ever be allowed to catch a single break?

**Author's Note:**

> yea i know this is sad now, but it will get better I promise! damn I feel bad for doing this to my boy He Tian though


End file.
